Are you an Imposter?

Are you a sum total of your own thoughts and feelings?  Have you ever stopped to take a look at it.  Are you who you are from what your family told you to be?  Are you shaped by religious beliefs that were chosen for you?  Do you feel like an alien in your own skin?  How do you react to things that happen in your life?  Who's voice do your hear in your head when you speak to others?  Are they your words?  Are they words you have heard spoken before?  Do you know who you are or are you a product of the sum total of what your family, friends, television, pastor, teacher, self help book, society has told you?  Stop and think about this....

I am about to turn 44 years old in a few days.  And for the first time in my life I TRULY FEEL AUTHENTIC.  I have always been a seeker.  I have explored much in life to try and discover who I am really.  I have always felt like and alien living in my body, especially when I wasn't following my own heart and thoughts.  I have always felt like a stranger among my family and have always been different from them.  I follow a different path, way of life and thought processes then they have.  It has always caused a lot of problems.  I have suffered much at my so called rebellious nature.  Funny thing about the last statement now is that I have come to realize as I look over my life thus far, I am not the rebellious weirdo my family claims that I am.  I was simply being me and exploring ways that made me feel comfortable in my own skin.  

When I was a kid my family told me that I dreamed too much and too big.  I was told that I should just get a job and stay put in Los Angeles with them.  I was also told that I should join the military to get some discipline and focus.  I was told to go to college and pick a career and stick it with it.  I was told that I was too emotional.  I was told that I was crazy.  They called me monster.  I was told that I couldn't be... That I had to do something in order to be somebody.  Art and music and fashion were not real jobs or real careers.  I was taught fear and conformity.  I was shrouded in religious doctrine.  I was a sinner.  I needed to get back into the fold and be Christian and to stop believing in Eastern religions.  I was evil when I studied magic.  My mom prayed for me.  Sent me pamphlets.  I ran away and stayed away.  

I drank too much.  I hung out with the wrong people.  I did stupid things. I got into trouble. I got pregnant.  I came home.  Back into the fold.  I was accepted back on the condition that I settle right back into my pre-written role.  I did.  I was miserable.  I drank too much.  I went from relationship to relationship.  I married my child's abusive sperm donor... I was supposed to... Can't live in sin.  Can't raise my child alone... She had to know her father... I didn't know mine.  Pain and alien is all I felt.  I played my roles.  I took the abuse... Couldn't take it any longer.  I left him.  Went crazy.  I drank too much.  I fell for any guy that would have me.  I mean who would want a single mom.  My mom stayed single after leaving my dad.  Is single today at 79.  She is part of the man haters club.  They wanted me to join.  Told me how bad men were. Told me how no one would want me now.  Told me I couldn't trust another man with my daughter, he might hurt her.  I went crazy, drank too much.  I wasn't even close to being my own woman.  I was a mess inside, put together on the outside.  I ran away to make my way.  I got sober.

I've been Christian, Hindu, spiritual, did yoga, lived in an ashram.  Been vegetarian and a carnivore.  I've been homeless.  I've held great jobs, had great houses and cars.  I've had good relationships and not so good relationships.  I've had sex too quickly and felt empty.  I have destroyed friendships, I have built amazing friendships.  I have fallen back in line with what my family wants and have jumped right the fuck back out and decided to follow my own heart.  

And you want to know why? I am an awesome creation.  I am a great woman and a great mom.  All of the bullshit I have put myself through has helped me to really seek out my truth. I have put my Life on hold for others.  I have worked and done things necessary to provide for my family.    I decided when my daughter was 10 years old that I would be to her the mom I never had.  I decided to be loving, nurturing, real.  I decided to show her the world and allow her to explore and discover.  We explored art, music, travel, literature, poems, religions, culture, food and we talked.  I opened myself to her.  I was an open book.  She was allowed a voice. This was the beginning of the discovery that I Had a choice to do things the way I Wanted them done.  I could change what I didn't like, change direction, change my stripes.  

I found love.  No it wasn't an ideal situation.  It was disastrous and difficult to blend together our family. We had to fight for our family through adversity.  I decided to love and be a mom to his two little girls, even when they hated me because their birth mother told them to.  I loved and fought for our family to be a real family.  A real family, one with love, honor, respect, mutual love and respect.  We had so many obstacles to hurdle.  Different family upbringing.  Different ideas of how to raise kids.  Children fighting the idea of new parents.  Test after test.  Crazy ex-wife deviously planting lies and the kids bringing back pain, tears and strife over their crazy alcoholic mother.  Alcohol.  A broken man trying to regain his hold on life and his children.  Fear.  Fear of loss.  We went through it all.  Love prevailed y'all.  I decided to be me.  A great woman and a great mom and wife.  I made mistakes.  When I made mistakes I made amends and we figured out a better solution.  We hashed issues out and found resolution.  No secrets.  Open communication, regardless.  We were and are cohesive.  The five of us withstood.  

Now let me tell you this.  I don't hold my family or other influences in my life accountable for my behavior.  I've made my own choices good and bad.  I have owned my shit and still do today.  I do hold anger still and when weak spend more time needed dwelling on my past.  I am working on forgiveness and letting go of pain.  I am actually grateful for everyone in my life mostly because they have taught me how to not be.  Because of these examples, I have chosen to discover and Be me, regardless of what anyone has to say about it.  I don't need permission.  I have taken the time to examine my thoughts and feelings, which isn't easy considering I am an empath, that is another blog post.  I have been given the opportunity to break the rules imposed and rewrite my own, and these rules shift and change as I shift and evolve.  I now respond in my own way to situations rather than react from others vibrations that I had claimed as my own.  I have raised my kids my way.  I believe in my Natural spiritual way without guilt or fear of damnation.  I am not bound to any belief or way of being that isn't my own definition.  I chose to learn and grow, shift and change everyday.  I love endlessly without need of return.  I have a beautiful man in my life and we have an amazing relationship.  My daughter is an amazing 20 year old woman.  My two children that I accepted as my own are wonderful and have taught me so much about love, acceptance and forgiveness.  

We have been given a huge opportunity now that our kids are grown.  Being a down to earth kind of woman, as I always have been, we now have the chance to live off 14 acres of land that was gifted to us both.  I have always been most comfortable in a simple living environment.  I thrive in nature!  We have always want to build a safe environment for our family, where we can live independently.  And now we have the chance.  We move forward without fear.  Our farm will be amazing.

Because of my choices and decisions, I have taught my family to discover themselves and to live authentically. I have taught them to make their own choices and decisions on how they wish to live without judgement.  My family is awesome.  My once broken man and disturbed family is a United entity of support and total love.  I am becoming more complete with every sunrise.  

We are beginning our new journey with such joy in our hearts.  I truly love my life and who I am.  I am grateful that my spirit was restless and rebellious. I am grateful for my journey.  

Take the time to think about who you are right now and how your live.  Are you being authentic to you or are you living a programmed existence that others have instilled in you?  

I challenge you...

Question why you are who you are and why you believe what you believe.  Watch how you speak and interact with people, is it you or are you behaving like you were told?  

The road to being authentically you is hard and scary.  You have to shed those skins and be vulnerable yet fearless.  You have to forgive.  You may have to walk away and begin a new.  Be fearless.  Be You.  

Why is this so important?  Because you were created to experience your life on your terms, not to be a programmed carbon copy.  Think about this.

I love you,

Toulousse  

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